A Beginning

This is the beginning.

It isn’t easy for me to talk about my weight or how I look, or what my internal image of my body is. It’s something I generally keep pretty close to the heart. Which is probably why I’ve struggled. A few years ago, Weight Watchers helped me lose almost 40 pounds and it was awesome. But I was working towards hitting a specific date, and two specific milestones. I was graduating university for the first time (I’ve done it twice now, with a Bachelors and a Master’s degree) and I wanted to look great at the year-end shin-dig. And I did. I look at those pictures and I feel confident. I was also one of the leads in my community’s musical and I wanted to look fantastic on stage. And I did. I look at those pictures and I feel confident.

Then I didn’t have a target. I just had life. I was supposed to create good habits while losing all that weight and it turned out that I hadn't made any good habits at all. I was just working to meet a goal of weight loss. And that’s what it was. Work.

Then I went back to school. Across the country from family and friends. It was the first time I lived with people I didn’t know. It was really the first time I was on my own, and it showed in the choices I made about my health. I gained all the weight I had lost back. I think I hold it better now. Pictures of me before I graduated with my Bachelors look worse than pictures of me now, even though I’m about the same weight. But I notice it. And it’s got to change.

So I’m going to push my comfort limits and talk about it. Make it something people know about so that there’s some sort of accountability to my actions. Make it something that I can reflect on, and remind myself that this isn’t about a specific date, or about a specific event. It’s about living healthy, and being able to run around with my nephew when he comes to visit. Being able to play games with my kids when I have them. Feel confident in whatever room I walk into and feel confident in whatever clothing I step into. Be alive and healthy. 

Specific weight info I’m going to keep to myself. While a part of my goal is weight loss, this isn’t about that. It’s about feeling. It’s about confidence. It’s about health. Also, that’s a super personal thing that I’m just not ready to be completely open about.

So here goes. And don't worry. This blog isn't going to be entirely about this transformation (as you can see from my first two posts). There'll be plenty of random thoughts about random things, from politics, to feminism, to hockey (though most of those updates will be happening on a different blog), to inspiration, to community develop, to pop culture, to whatever!