Of God and... Something...

First, you have to at least listen to this song to understand the ramblings in my head right now:

Official music video is here: Something in the Water - Carrie Underwood
(it is beautifully shot, choreographed and danced)

First off, I've never been all that religious. I've looked at different religions, mostly derived from the Bible, and have never really found one that spoke to me. I believe that there's probably a higher power out there and I don't think whatever it is is inconsistent with the reality of science (as limited as my knowledge and understanding of it can be sometimes). Honestly, I have concerns about organized religion, not all of which I can voice, but some I just feel.

And I'm fine with that. I know church isn't for me. I know that that kind of worship is not congruent with my beliefs.

Which is why when I had a strong physical and emotional reaction to this video, I was shocked. As many people who know me will attest, it takes very little to make me tear up. However, there have been very few times in my life when I couldn't control a sobbing fit. When my Grandmother died, when I went through an extremely tough time with a friend of mine, and when one of my dreams didn't come true. Those are really the only times of my adult life that I remember not being able to control an emotional reaction. Now I can add this moment.

About 30 seconds into this song, I literally started to sob. It wasn't something I could control. It would be interesting to hear what a trained psychiatrist or psychologist would say, but my self diagnosis...?: The passionate belief and transformation portrayed in the song is something I have never experienced and fear that I never will. To find serenity and peace and power and acceptance at that level would be empowering and life changing. And to be honest, I only ever hear about this kind of experience from people who have had religion make a difference in their life.

I will never have that. I've explored religion and I didn't experience that. I think my reaction was one of selfishness and loss - If I couldn't find it in religion, then where can I find that, because I certainly haven't yet...

Just a random night of thoughts here at Chez Cait.